I wonder...

I read something on another blog, it was a comment from another reader regarding her (as yet) inability to get pregnant...she said it made her feel broken...and i'd never thought of it that way, but as soon as she said it, it hit home...that was the perfect way to put the feeling into words...

When the doctor told me that I may not and should not continue my pregnancy with my son, broken would have been the perfect description of how I felt...All the things that went downhill for me, healthwise, made me feel like I should have listened to the doctor then, like I was going to cause heartbreak for too many other people if my body couldn't handle what was happening to it...which of course only made me stress more lol...

But, it was too late to try to listen to the doctors...I loved Boog from the moment I knew about him - when i still called him "the baby" or "mini me" - i was afraid to even think of names at first, scared that something would happen...

And now, seeing other people posting pics from the hospital and talking about different things...I feel like I missed out on so much...I didn't get to really pick what Boog would come home from the hospital in - I'd been in the hospital for a fricking month and had to tell the Boy to bring an outfit...I got a few choices of onsies lol...to bring home a baby in November...

I didn't get to ask for the pics that the hospital does - I was in the cardiac unit for 2 days...I didn't get to see Boog for 2 days after he was born...I had the nurse from the nursery call me to tell me how he was doing, and pics from the Boy, for the little time he was able to come to the hospital...I didn't have a baby shower - I was in the hospital for the last month I was pregnant, and on bed rest before that...I wasn't able to have my family come visit at the hospital after Boog was born, it was the middle of flu/swine flu season...My sisters were only able to come visit me once the entire time I was there because we weren't allowed visitors under 18 because of flu season...I couldn't take Boog for pics with Santa for his first Christmas - I was in the hospital; arguing, begging, pleading for them to release me so I could at least spend the day with my Boog...And damn if I wasn't right back in the hospital the next day...


I worry that my medical issues will have a negative effect on Boog and the mother I will be to him...I wonder how my telling him that I can't run around with him like his dad does; I get tired and can't breathe very good if I do that for too long...I wonder if, like my mom suggested, he will wonder why he doesn't have a photo with Santa for his first Christmas...He has one for every year after that...

I wonder...always...