I just want you

This morning as we were sitting outside of daycare, getting ready to go in, I reached back and unbuckled Boog's car seat.  He was looking out the window, not paying attention.  I put my finger up right by his nose to mess with him when he turned his head quickly.  My fingernail got him just on the inside of his little nose and he looked like he wanted to cry, but didn't.

I told him I was sorry and that I was just trying to tease him and he said he knew and it was okay.  So I said I'm not very good at this mommy thing, maybe we should find you a new one.  And then he spoke the best words ever:

"Nah, I don't want a different one.  I just want to stay with you."

Me too buddy, me too...

Happy Birthday Boogie

So I've been doing the 30 days of thankful on my Facebook page...Here's my day 10...

Day 10:  Today I am thankful for Boogie.  Four years ago today, I was scheduled for a C-section at 10am...as we were getting ready for surgery and they were getting IVs in and last minute checks done, I looked at the boyfriend and said I changed my mind.  I didn't want a C-section, let's just give this a shot the normal way...He wouldn't go for it and said they wouldn't either...

After finally getting me into the OR, they told me to take the hospital gown off, hug a pillow to my chest and then hug this very large Mr. T looking gentleman...I started cracking jokes of course, nervous as hell about the needle they're sticking in my back...With 2 anesthesiologists standing by the head of the bed for the duration and another on call (they were kinda worried about keeping me alive lol), they sliced and diced and presented me with this little blurry crying bundle...I couldn't feel anything from the chest down, so I couldn't wipe my eyes...

4 years later he still gets kinda blurry, but that's usually because he's running full speed ahead, or he does something that makes me laugh till I cry...Or because he's being a typical kid and i'm trying not to strangle him...

So in addition to being thankful for him, I am thankful for everyone who has been with us along the way.  All my friends and family who have told me to WOOOSAAA and every other thing people have done for us.  I refuse to name everyone, you know who you are - I have a party to go to this morning :)

I wonder...

I read something on another blog, it was a comment from another reader regarding her (as yet) inability to get pregnant...she said it made her feel broken...and i'd never thought of it that way, but as soon as she said it, it hit home...that was the perfect way to put the feeling into words...

When the doctor told me that I may not and should not continue my pregnancy with my son, broken would have been the perfect description of how I felt...All the things that went downhill for me, healthwise, made me feel like I should have listened to the doctor then, like I was going to cause heartbreak for too many other people if my body couldn't handle what was happening to it...which of course only made me stress more lol...

But, it was too late to try to listen to the doctors...I loved Boog from the moment I knew about him - when i still called him "the baby" or "mini me" - i was afraid to even think of names at first, scared that something would happen...

And now, seeing other people posting pics from the hospital and talking about different things...I feel like I missed out on so much...I didn't get to really pick what Boog would come home from the hospital in - I'd been in the hospital for a fricking month and had to tell the Boy to bring an outfit...I got a few choices of onsies lol...to bring home a baby in November...

I didn't get to ask for the pics that the hospital does - I was in the cardiac unit for 2 days...I didn't get to see Boog for 2 days after he was born...I had the nurse from the nursery call me to tell me how he was doing, and pics from the Boy, for the little time he was able to come to the hospital...I didn't have a baby shower - I was in the hospital for the last month I was pregnant, and on bed rest before that...I wasn't able to have my family come visit at the hospital after Boog was born, it was the middle of flu/swine flu season...My sisters were only able to come visit me once the entire time I was there because we weren't allowed visitors under 18 because of flu season...I couldn't take Boog for pics with Santa for his first Christmas - I was in the hospital; arguing, begging, pleading for them to release me so I could at least spend the day with my Boog...And damn if I wasn't right back in the hospital the next day...


I worry that my medical issues will have a negative effect on Boog and the mother I will be to him...I wonder how my telling him that I can't run around with him like his dad does; I get tired and can't breathe very good if I do that for too long...I wonder if, like my mom suggested, he will wonder why he doesn't have a photo with Santa for his first Christmas...He has one for every year after that...

I wonder...always...

Rant: Child Support

So here's my rant for the day...Mother fucking men who have children and are no longer with the mother of the child...and then wanna say the bitch is asking for money to hurt them/be a bitch/whatever excuse they give...

Fool, it takes money to provide for YOUR child...it takes MONEY to pay for food, diapers, wipes, clothes, daycare, etc...By you not providing for your child, you are hurting your child...unless you have a child with some rich woman...

And telling someone that they have an appetite for money because they ask for child support is some fucking bullshit...I paid for everything for my son with no help from his father for over a year...I filed for child support, and one of his friend's offered him some work and said maybe that money would reduce my "appetite for money" - Are you fucking kidding me with that shit?

Then today I see someone on facebook posting that their baby's mom is asking for money just to hurt him...Honestly, she could be already getting money from him, I don't know the situation, but to see that really just fucking bothered me...