I don't know what to do...

Boog is staying with one of my best friends this week - for the whole week.  Being the single parent, I usually don't have time to my self.  So I'm going to be completely lost this week.  I could make big plans of all the things I'm going to get done, but I'm pretty sure I'll be napping and reading more than anything else.

I took off work Friday so we could drive down to North Carolina.  I love going there, it always feels like I'm home.  Boog has other kids to play with, a cul de sac that they can play in and not have to worry about cars speeding through and a nice big fenced in back yard.  There are dogs for him to snuggle with and now they have chickens and rabbits.  There are even baby bunnies there right now with a possible litter coming while he is there.

Saturday was tattoo day for the moms!  I'm super happy with my new tattoo, by the way.  It turned out awesome.  And I left Sunday morning.  On my drive home I got a message that Boog said he missed me, but it's okay because he knows he can call me whenever he wants.

Boog and a baby bunny

Getting too big

Someone got his new big boy bed this weekend.  It’s in between being a loft and a junior loft.  It was made by my uncle for my cousin over 20 years ago.  My other uncle cut it down so it’s just tall enough for Boog to fit underneath without bonking his head on it.

Boog is super excited to have a big boy bed and have room to stretch since he was as long as his toddler bed at this point.  He likes that he has room to play up there if he wants and finds it hilarious that he can touch the ceiling.  He keeps forgetting that his has to crawl and can’t stand when he’s up there.  It’s only been two days, so I imagine he’ll remember soon enough.

He runs around and stands under it, just because he can lol.  I told him we’d turn it into a little hiding space for him, like his own little clubhouse.  I’m going to try to find either a dinosaur or Transformer curtain to hang across the front opening for him and maybe a small lamp to put on the dresser that’s going to be under there.

Independence

As I sit here, Boog is currently playing in his room - alone...I might be only 10 feet away in my room, but he is in his room playing without me.  He's not asking if he can bring his toys in my room to play, he's not asking if I can come play with him or sit in his room with him...

I know this is independence we both need - he needs it to grow and become his own person.  He cannot be an attached at the hip momma's boy forever...I need this independence for my sanity and to remind myself that I am not ONLY Boog's mommy...

I also took him to a "Parents Survival Night" at The Little Gym this week.  For $25 (member price, membership is $40 a year), they spend 2 and a half hours playing with a break for a pizza dinner in the middle.  For the last thirty minutes, they color to calm down and cool down.  For three hours I can drop him off and know he is being fed, taken care of, having fun and exercising in a way I still can't really manage yet.  He's interacting with adults and children he doesn't know.  He's learning how to play well with new people and personalities.  And I can go some where and have dinner and a drink alone, or I could actually have a date (OMG WTF is that lol).

This week, I watched the session for the first 15 minutes.  I say it was because he's never been left with strangers before.  That's true, but it should really be said that I've never left him with strangers before.  Because he didn't seem to care.  I, on the other hand, didn't want to leave.  I stayed in the shopping center and made my way over to Subway for dinner and then hung out in my car for a bit.  I went back to the gym for the last hour (my phone battery was dying and I was getting bored lol).  He didn't even notice I was back at first, but when he did he came out to say hi and then went back in to play.  He came over to the window and threw the ball at me a few times and then ignored me till the end.

I wonder...

I read something on another blog, it was a comment from another reader regarding her (as yet) inability to get pregnant...she said it made her feel broken...and i'd never thought of it that way, but as soon as she said it, it hit home...that was the perfect way to put the feeling into words...

When the doctor told me that I may not and should not continue my pregnancy with my son, broken would have been the perfect description of how I felt...All the things that went downhill for me, healthwise, made me feel like I should have listened to the doctor then, like I was going to cause heartbreak for too many other people if my body couldn't handle what was happening to it...which of course only made me stress more lol...

But, it was too late to try to listen to the doctors...I loved Boog from the moment I knew about him - when i still called him "the baby" or "mini me" - i was afraid to even think of names at first, scared that something would happen...

And now, seeing other people posting pics from the hospital and talking about different things...I feel like I missed out on so much...I didn't get to really pick what Boog would come home from the hospital in - I'd been in the hospital for a fricking month and had to tell the Boy to bring an outfit...I got a few choices of onsies lol...to bring home a baby in November...

I didn't get to ask for the pics that the hospital does - I was in the cardiac unit for 2 days...I didn't get to see Boog for 2 days after he was born...I had the nurse from the nursery call me to tell me how he was doing, and pics from the Boy, for the little time he was able to come to the hospital...I didn't have a baby shower - I was in the hospital for the last month I was pregnant, and on bed rest before that...I wasn't able to have my family come visit at the hospital after Boog was born, it was the middle of flu/swine flu season...My sisters were only able to come visit me once the entire time I was there because we weren't allowed visitors under 18 because of flu season...I couldn't take Boog for pics with Santa for his first Christmas - I was in the hospital; arguing, begging, pleading for them to release me so I could at least spend the day with my Boog...And damn if I wasn't right back in the hospital the next day...


I worry that my medical issues will have a negative effect on Boog and the mother I will be to him...I wonder how my telling him that I can't run around with him like his dad does; I get tired and can't breathe very good if I do that for too long...I wonder if, like my mom suggested, he will wonder why he doesn't have a photo with Santa for his first Christmas...He has one for every year after that...

I wonder...always...